“WHAT NEXT!?"
I spent last night and this morning trying to get a grasp on my life, and I have had some revelation. First, I realized I had a control problem, I am a control freak, which can be seen as distrust. I realize much of my life is determined on my past, but because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I don’t have to remain here.
So, again I ask, “What next?”
Last night, I began locating scriptures dealing with control… I read many scriptures, and I don’t think anyone in particular spoke to me, but afterwards I felt the need to repent. I had to get right with God, and I realized I was distancing myself from Him—but why?
Well, I have been in a help group and a lot of hurt and pain has been coming out. When I began, I knew God and I loved Him, but my knowledge was limited—I had to love and get to know God as the God who didn’t part the sky and send Angels down to protect me from abuse, pain, hurt, rape. I had to realize He saw everything I went through, and He didn’t do anything (in my eyes). I was deeply hurt and it was easier to comprehend that Jesus died for my healing and sins, but it was hard to realize, He also died for those who harmed me, and they don’t have to do anything extra! I think I am a pretty reasonable person, but this seems unjust! Of course it does from my finite perspective, but God isn’t human, He isn’t limited by my limitations—He is infinite. (This isn’t a normal thought; it will take my entire life of repeating this and asking for wisdom, to live with this truth)
I don’t want to brush over this and accept speedy answers to my heart’s questions, my hearts longings. I want God to bring me to a real place of understanding.
Before, I got past the hard stuff, in order to grow and advance in the kingdom of God, I wanted to grow and prove myself—prove that I was no longer that person I use to be, a girl searching for love & acceptance in every place imaginable. I tried to run away from the girl I use to be, silly of me to think I could get away. So here I am face to face, with that girl…
God doesn’t want me to serve Him on the surface, He wants me to dig deep into my wounds, hurts, and fears, and love Him anyway—wholeheartedly. He wants me to see the good in all the bad. He wants His word to come alive in my life, His image I was molded in from the beginning, restored, and much, much more!
God has to be the center of my life in order for me to live fully, intentionally and purposely. I realized I have been living a “me-centered” life. After I got saved, I began to serve myself and I became my own lord (this was all subtle and subconscious, until now I didn’t know what I was doing). I had to get right, be right, live right, I had something to prove. But here I am, and all I have proven is that “I,” can’t get me anywhere. I don’t forsake all the great things I have learned, but this is the time the Lord has made for me to change this area in my life.
What Next? I don’t know, but I feel lighter and more assured now that I have gotten this all out.
Shona
