It still hurts... I am almost done with Wounded Heart (WH) by Dan Allender (a must read for anyone who has been sexually violated or whose life is missing something and you never have been able to figure it out).
This morning I completed the chapter on Honesty in the section about Prerequisites for Growth, and Dan suggested that I Pray, Fast, and read the Bible-- I realized that these are the very things that have been lacking in my life ever since I began to face the abuse. I don't know why, but I do know that I really want to have authentic relationships with people and with God, and I will need to Pray, Fast, and Read the Bible to do so.
Seeping Out:
I realized that I recognize the physical abuse more so then the sexual and rape in my history... This is very interesting to me. It has only been a few years since I came to terms with the sexual abuse because I thought I was to blame. I also thought the physical abuse was my fault, but I knew deep down inside that my parents were wrong. This past week I questioned, "Why was I the only one left with scares, and my half-sisters were scareless?" Never would I want my sisters to experience physical abuse, but I wish no one had to.
I feel bad about rehashing all of these things and what it may do to the people in my life. I think it is insane to think that I am walking around deeply in pain, and my primary worry is others!!!
When I speak out about my history of abuse or my hurts, people assume I am done and I will be ok, but I realize that this is not the case, no one, but God can put a timeline on my healing. I was just about to apologize for this process, but I am not sorry... I have been sorry my entire life and you know what, I AM NOT SORRY!—I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, or be beaten, to bleed, and to bruise or scar… I didn’t ask to be touched inappropriately, as a little girl, and made an object of perversion; I didn’t ask to be raped 3 times. I didn’t ask for a mangled heart. I didn’t ask for any of it, but it was given to me, and I will not leave this world without facing these ugly truths and cashing in on the life God purposed me to have!
I have begun to battle with compulsive eating again, it was either eat or masturbate, which would have lead to having sex. I really see how harmful sex and sexual perversion is to the spirit so I have decided to go with food. There is no lesser evil, sin is sin, plain and simple, but this is the decision I made, and God is working it out. Before I began to face the abuse, I would have never thought to have sex or to masturbate since I have been saved, but for some reason when I began to explore my history, I began to have urges. I felt like I needed to shut the doors that I had begun to open, I was exposed and empty-- I was raw.
You know a part of me questions what others would think of me, but you know, I truly don’t care…
I trust that God knows what He is doing… He has a purpose for me to open these doors in the darkness of my soul, and I trust He knows what to do with every little thing that is behind each door.
RAW,
shona
