The Day After, "What Next?"

“WHAT NEXT!?"

I spent last night and this morning trying to get a grasp on my life, and I have had some revelation. First, I realized I had a control problem, I am a control freak, which can be seen as distrust. I realize much of my life is determined on my past, but because of Jesus’ sacrifice, I don’t have to remain here.

So, again I ask, “What next?”

Last night, I began locating scriptures dealing with control… I read many scriptures, and I don’t think anyone in particular spoke to me, but afterwards I felt the need to repent. I had to get right with God, and I realized I was distancing myself from Him—but why?

Well, I have been in a help group and a lot of hurt and pain has been coming out. When I began, I knew God and I loved Him, but my knowledge was limited—I had to love and get to know God as the God who didn’t part the sky and send Angels down to protect me from abuse, pain, hurt, rape. I had to realize He saw everything I went through, and He didn’t do anything (in my eyes). I was deeply hurt and it was easier to comprehend that Jesus died for my healing and sins, but it was hard to realize, He also died for those who harmed me, and they don’t have to do anything extra! I think I am a pretty reasonable person, but this seems unjust! Of course it does from my finite perspective, but God isn’t human, He isn’t limited by my limitations—He is infinite. (This isn’t a normal thought; it will take my entire life of repeating this and asking for wisdom, to live with this truth)

I don’t want to brush over this and accept speedy answers to my heart’s questions, my hearts longings. I want God to bring me to a real place of understanding.
Before, I got past the hard stuff, in order to grow and advance in the kingdom of God, I wanted to grow and prove myself—prove that I was no longer that person I use to be, a girl searching for love & acceptance in every place imaginable. I tried to run away from the girl I use to be, silly of me to think I could get away. So here I am face to face, with that girl…

God doesn’t want me to serve Him on the surface, He wants me to dig deep into my wounds, hurts, and fears, and love Him anyway—wholeheartedly. He wants me to see the good in all the bad. He wants His word to come alive in my life, His image I was molded in from the beginning, restored, and much, much more!

God has to be the center of my life in order for me to live fully, intentionally and purposely. I realized I have been living a “me-centered” life. After I got saved, I began to serve myself and I became my own lord (this was all subtle and subconscious, until now I didn’t know what I was doing). I had to get right, be right, live right, I had something to prove. But here I am, and all I have proven is that “I,” can’t get me anywhere. I don’t forsake all the great things I have learned, but this is the time the Lord has made for me to change this area in my life.

What Next? I don’t know, but I feel lighter and more assured now that I have gotten this all out.

Shona

can you?

I am doing really well, there are ups and downs, challenges beyond my imaginatoin, but I am still here… There isn’t as much pain. It’s like the rawness is being soothed, it’s not as irritated or sensitive. I guess I had to go through the crap to get here… I have tons of notes in my workbook from my class… I am going to share some of the quotes and revelations I have obtained while I have been on my journey with you!

This is all for now…

Yours in Transition,
Shona

OCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It still hurts... I am almost done with Wounded Heart (WH) by Dan Allender (a must read for anyone who has been sexually violated or whose life is missing something and you never have been able to figure it out).

This morning I completed the chapter on Honesty in the section about Prerequisites for Growth, and Dan suggested that I Pray, Fast, and read the Bible-- I realized that these are the very things that have been lacking in my life ever since I began to face the abuse. I don't know why, but I do know that I really want to have authentic relationships with people and with God, and I will need to Pray, Fast, and Read the Bible to do so.

Seeping Out:

I realized that I recognize the physical abuse more so then the sexual and rape in my history... This is very interesting to me. It has only been a few years since I came to terms with the sexual abuse because I thought I was to blame. I also thought the physical abuse was my fault, but I knew deep down inside that my parents were wrong. This past week I questioned, "Why was I the only one left with scares, and my half-sisters were scareless?" Never would I want my sisters to experience physical abuse, but I wish no one had to.

I feel bad about rehashing all of these things and what it may do to the people in my life. I think it is insane to think that I am walking around deeply in pain, and my primary worry is others!!!

When I speak out about my history of abuse or my hurts, people assume I am done and I will be ok, but I realize that this is not the case, no one, but God can put a timeline on my healing. I was just about to apologize for this process, but I am not sorry... I have been sorry my entire life and you know what, I AM NOT SORRY!—I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, or be beaten, to bleed, and to bruise or scar… I didn’t ask to be touched inappropriately, as a little girl, and made an object of perversion; I didn’t ask to be raped 3 times. I didn’t ask for a mangled heart. I didn’t ask for any of it, but it was given to me, and I will not leave this world without facing these ugly truths and cashing in on the life God purposed me to have!

I have begun to battle with compulsive eating again, it was either eat or masturbate, which would have lead to having sex. I really see how harmful sex and sexual perversion is to the spirit so I have decided to go with food. There is no lesser evil, sin is sin, plain and simple, but this is the decision I made, and God is working it out. Before I began to face the abuse, I would have never thought to have sex or to masturbate since I have been saved, but for some reason when I began to explore my history, I began to have urges. I felt like I needed to shut the doors that I had begun to open, I was exposed and empty-- I was raw.

You know a part of me questions what others would think of me, but you know, I truly don’t care…
I trust that God knows what He is doing… He has a purpose for me to open these doors in the darkness of my soul, and I trust He knows what to do with every little thing that is behind each door.


RAW,
shona

OCH!

I realized that I needed to share my journey... but I had no idea what my journey intailed. I didn't know how hurt I was and how much my life has been affected. So with this being said, I mostlikely will not be posting much, at least for the next couple of months... It hurts too much.. I can't even begin to exsplain it... I am just clueless. I don't know how God is going to make this better, but I know He intends to do so. So I am hopefull.

I have realized how amazing God is, how I could be carrying so much and still be able to function and make a postive contribution to society. That's amazing... If you only knew how dark it was inside, you would be amazed and praising Jesus for His sacrafice. But He didn't give His life so I could walk around as a container of pain, He died so I could live, truly live... And I intend to do so, and after I figure it out, I intend on sharing it with the whole world!

I love you with all that I know, now I am signing off, so I can go get better.

Shona

Shame

It has been so hard for me to say what I am about to say... Ok, before I do, let me say that I don't intend to hurt anyone, but I need to heal and I believe there are people that will benefit from what I will share, so I have to do this for us.

As a child I was molested by my cousin, and his friend. I desired to be approved by him. My biological father was out of the picture and everything with-in me desired to be loved, even if it came in the form of a perverted touch. I moved around a lot, so thankfully the molestation wasn’t constant but was sporadically speckled through out my life. During a summer visit, my cousin raped me. He pinned me down and broke my heart completely… After that I was raped two other times, after the second time, I decided to take “control” of my life and I began to have sex with everyone, I figured they were going to take it anyway, so I might as well give it to them…

I was also physically and emotionally abused my mother and step father. I will go further into this in future blogs.

I have been tragically affected by tOuch, and I will blog about my experiences and my journey to acceptance and healing. I am currently, reading the book Wounded Heart, which has provided tremendous insight on my plight and I will be attending a help group.

I am excited and scared but I do realize it is time to face the facts, I have been tOuched.

SMT